In this mornings read of "The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck" Mark Manson says: "We all get dealt cards. Some of us get better cards than others. And while it's easy to get hung up on our cards, and feel we got screwed over, the real game lies in the choices we make with those cards, the risks we decide to take, and the consequences we choose to live with. People who consistently make the best choices in the situations they're given are the ones who eventually come out ahead in poker, just as in life. And it's not necessarily the people with the best cards." Mark gives several examples to support this but the one that popped into my thoughts was a brilliant man who passed away very recently. And that is Professor Stephen Hawking. Professor Hawking started life pretty normally and healthy but then contracted a rare motor neuron disease that left him basically totally disabled, he couldn't even talk without the aid of a computer. I think with those cards most people would give up and fade out of existence feeling sorry for themselves. But Professor Hawking did not, instead, he rose up, played the hand he was given exceptionally well and gave much to the world. I don't know what within Stephen Hawking made him rise up rather than fade, but I want more of that. And clearly, as he and countless others show getting more of that is NOT about getting the right cards dealt to me, but learning and deciding how to best play what I have been dealt. The same goes for all of us.
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Life can be a real pain sometimes, that's just the way it is. It's not our fault, but I am finally learning that how we respond to it IS on us, it's our responsibility.
We can be whoa is me, have self-pity, be hurt, wallow in it. Or we can rise above it, our choice. Well maybe not totally our choice as we may have had a history and culture that supports how we react to pain which can be pretty deeply programmed into us through no fault of our own. But we can become aware of that and work to change it, to make our lives and how we react to things better. We only have one life, sometimes it's wonderful and sometimes it's shitty, but I am learning to have a better life in spite of it all and hope you will take on that challenge too. My read in this book this morning was I think my favorite so far, and that is saying something. Plus it was in a section that I was struggling a bit with.
Why is that? Well, a few years ago I really got into New Age thinking, the idea that what you think about comes about and you are responsible for everything that happens in your life. To the extent that if a hurricane happens, it's your fault, you thought it so you created it. I have even seen some go as far as to blame starving children in undeveloped countries on my thinking. What total bullshit! So this section of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck is on personal responsibility and I was like yeah, this is pretty good, but it's not my fault if some crazy somewhere shoots up a school. Then Mark broke it down. He broke down the difference between responsibility and fault, which New Age thinking doesn't do. Basically, even if something is not our fault, if we had absolutely nothing to do with it, we are still responsible for the effect it has in our life. I thought his example of that using judges showed the difference between responsibility and fault very well. "Judges don't get to choose their cases. When a case goes to court, the judge assigned to it did not commit the crime, was not a witness to the crime, and was not affected by the crime, but he or she is still responsible for the crime. The judge must then choose the consequences; he or she must identify the metric against which the crime will be measured and make sure the chosen metric is carried out" We all have to deal with things that aren't our fault all the time, that's life, so suck it up buttercup because how you deal with those things, how you let them affect your life, that IS YOUR responsibility. You choose how you see and react to things, even though you did not choose, and are not to blame for the things. I'll wrap it up with Mark's words again; "We all love to take responsibility for success and happiness. Hell, we often fight over who gets to be responsible for success and happiness. But taking responsibility for our problems is far more important, because that's where real learning comes from. That's where the real-life improvement comes from. To simply blame others is only to hurt yourself." Wise words, thanks, Mark. What are our values based on?
In this book Mark Says that "Good values are 1) reality-based, 2) socially constructive, and 3) immediate and controllable. Bad values are 1) superstitious, 2) socially destructive, and not immediate or controllable. For much of my life, I based my values on superstition, trying to please an invisible God based on ancient text, my family, and community. And in doing so I was out of touch with reality, I often judged others in socially destructive ways, and thus missed opportunities for friendship and growth. Understanding now more about human evolution and how the brain works (which is not always reliable!) I can see humans with all our faults in far more understanding, accepting, and shall I say forgiving ways. I am even more tolerant of religion than I was when I was religious! I know it doesn't work for everyone that way, there are many wonderful, caring, tolerant people who find things of value in religion. But there are also judgemental, intolerant, self-righteous assholes in religion. I often tended toward the later. Which brings me back to the book: "When we have poor values - that is, poor standards we set for ourselves and others - we are essentially giving fucks about the things that don't matter, things that in fact make our life worse. But when we choose better values, we are able to divert our fucks to something better - towards things that matter, things that improve the state of our well-being and that generate happiness, pleasure, and success as side effects." "This, in a nutshell, is what 'self-improvement' is really about: prioritizing better values, choosing better things to give a fuck about. Because when you give better fucks, you get better problems. And when you get better problems you get a better life." I got a much better life by focusing more on the reality of this life, rather than on a hoped-for better life with no sorrows or pain after I die. I am learning that those struggles and working to overcome them as odd as is sounds are really what makes life worth it and brings happiness. It's still a work in progress, it will be until the end. Yesterday I said at the end of my post that Mark Manson had written that "Staying Positive" is also a shitty value, I totally agree," and then I dropped it. Now I am picking it back up.
It isn't that there isn't any value in positive thinking, of course, there is! It's good to have a positive, hopeful outlook on life, it helps you get through things. But too much of it can be denial and avoidance that keeps you from tackling and solving problems. Here's Mark: "When we force ourselves to stay positive at all times, we deny the existence of our life's problems. And when we deny our problems, we rob ourselves of the chance to solve them and create happiness. Problems add a sense of meaning and importance to our life. Thus to duck our problems is to lead a meaningless (even if supposedly pleasant) existence. Me again: This is something I have been realizing more and more as I move through life. We feel it's joys in contrast to its sadness, happiness in contrast to depression, etc. if we did not have the dark side, we could not have the light side, at least not nearly as fully. I am not saying that we have to have life's worst to have it's best, but we do need something of a contrast or it will all just be blah. And do we really want blah? While paradise, heaven, etc. does sound inviting when you really think about it, not so much. Actually, it is having problems and challenges to solve that really makes life worth living, interesting and yes gives us happiness. We all compare ourselves to others, but by what standards, measure, or values do we make these comparisons?
If it's things like pleasure, material success, or always being right, I agree with author Mark Manson, those are shitty values to judge success by. I think our comparison should be are we a decent human being? Are we kind, caring, compassionate, accepting? These are far better values to measure ourselves by. As Mark says: "When people measure themselves not by their behavior, but by the status symbols they're able to collect, then not only are they shallow, but they're probably assholes as well." Spot on. Too many people think more things and more pleasure for themselves, or always being "right" will make them happy, when actually those things can lead to misery and good relationships, helping others, even admitting you are wrong and learning from that can make you far happier. Mark says that "Staying Positive" is also a shitty value, I totally agree, but that's for another post! Thoughts on my morning read of "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck."
"All of this 'every person can be extraordinary and achieve greatness' stuff is basically just jerking off your ego. It's a message that tastes good going down, but in reality is nothing more than empty calories that make you emotionally fat and bloated, the proverbial Big Mac for your heart and brain." This section talks about the fact that even people who are extraordinary at one or a few things are not extraordinary at everything and those things that they are extraordinary at they are because they knew that they weren't so they spent extraordinary amounts of time to improve in an area of life that they cared about and desired to excel in. Plus as Malcolm Gladwell points out in his excellent book Outliers those extraordinary examples of human achievement all had circumstances that had nothing to do with their efforts feed into their achievement as well. So this idea that we can all be extraordinary is bull shit, most of us in simple fact, by the law of averages will be well, average. And you know what? That is OK. It allows us to be free to be who we are without the pressure to be something else. And personally, I like not being in the spotlight with huge numbers of people watching me. I'll take ordinary over that any day, thank you very much! Going back to the book: "And the knowledge and acceptance of your own mundane existence will actually free you to accomplish what you truly wish to accomplish without judgment or lofty expectations." By all means work to make your life better, to be the best you can be, but not what someone else can be, or what society expects you to be. In doing this: "You will have a growing appreciation for life's basic experiences: the pleasures of simple friendship, creating something, helping a person in need, reading a good book, laughing with someone you care about." Reading in my new favorite book again this morning in a section on entitlement and a couple things hit me. #1 how entitled I have seen myself. #2 how Success Books and "Law of Attraction" fed into that.
There is someone I worked with who I hated because I saw him as someone that felt like he deserved success and position just because he was entitled to it, not because he earned it so it was kind of a shock to look in a mirror with the help of this book and see a lot of that in me too! I mean how many times have I started something and not finished because things weren't easy enough for me, that's entitlement! From the book: "Entitlement closes in upon itself in a kind of narcissistic bubble, distorting anything and everything in such a way as to reinforce itself. People who feel entitled view every occurrence in their life as either an affirmation of or a threat to, their own greatness. If something good happens to them, it's because of some amazing feat they accomplished. If something bad happens to them, it's because somebody is jealous and trying to bring them down a notch. Entitlement is impervious. People who are entitled delude themselves into whatever feeds their sense of superiority. They keep their mental facade standing at all costs," For decades I followed Law of Attraction, name it and claim it type beliefs which promoted ideas like all you had to do to achieve great success was just think it. Now I look back at my life and wonder how much damage I have done to myself and others with that kind of delusional thinking. And I don't mean that positive thinking is all bad, it's good to have a positive perspective on things, but life is also hard, and all the positive thoughts in the world ain't going to change that. Sometimes, often, you have to work hard, fail, get up and go at it again. Just thinking does not make it so. I got back to my read this morning and was hit with this question. It's a good question, it's one I have largely avoided my whole life, largely (not totally) taking the easy way with little resistance. To be blunt most of us do that. But does that build anything of value?
As the section I read this morning says: "Because happiness requires struggle. It grows from problems. Joy doesn't just sprout out of the ground like daisies and rainbows. Real, serious, lifelong fulfillment and meaning have to be earned through the choosing and managing of our struggles." So if I want more fulfillment and meaning, if you do, what are we willing to struggle for? It's a good question. It's one I am asking myself more now. I hope you will too. Another insight from the "Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fu*k"
That's all the text I posted with this image, nothing more really needed to be said. |
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