If the range of humanity our beliefs, passions, attractions, etc. where shown on bell curves, in a wide center would be areas where most people are pretty similar, off to the right and left would be areas of more diversity, and further off to the right and left will be areas where little is shared in common with the masses, with the norm. But they are still ALL part of the spectrum of humanity, essential parts that should be celebrated, accepted, and embraced. Unless, who someone is involves physical or emotional harm everyone should be free to be who they are, and be accepted. I strongly believe that accepting others as who they are helps us to accept and embrace who we are better as well. That in fact is exactly what led to this coming out. Recently a couple friends came out to me in areas of their life and as I was seeking to understand that more and to learn how to be more supportive, I learned somethings about myself. So to those friends (who will, I am sure read this) thank you so much for being open and helping me learn not only more about you, but more about myself as well. That is why I have decided to come out from the edge of the bell curve in an area of my life that I am actually just coming to terms with. It’s not just to be accepted, I am blessed with a good core group of friends who have shown that is not an issue, but to hopefully help others on the journey of not only accepting others, but to encourage people to come out, learn about, and embrace themselves more too. So what edge of what bell curve am I coming out of? Well let’s lead into that by saying that in an area that is central to many human drives, passions, and emotions, for me… What do I like cake better than? I like it better than sex! I have never felt I was negative about sex, or repulsed by it (generally) or the human body. And I have gotten sexually aroused many times, so I certainly never thought I could be asexual until very recently! But still there is the fact that sex just isn’t something I do. So when I saw the phrase “Cake is better” as I was doing some research in the asexual community I was like, yeah, I totally agree with that. It’s not like I think sex is bad and no one should do it, which is what I thought being asexual was, it’s just that for me personally, I like cake better. Much better! For years I thought I was broken, that there was something wrong with me, that I was odd, now I realize that I am fine. OK maybe a I’m odd, maybe I am on the far edge of the sexuality bell curve here, but I am good with that. I embrace that. A bit more about me, I am a 54-year-old, white, male, at the age of eight I was sexually abused by neighbor kids, that is the only time that I have had sex with people other than myself. (And I haven’t even done sex with myself in a long time now either, sometimes I think I should because of concerns about prostate cancer, but I still haven’t. I’m just not that into it.) Anyway I don’t remember what happened as a kid really turning me off to sex, it thankfully wasn’t an adult on child situation I know that could have been FAR different and deeply traumatic. The main thing I remember from that time was great fear of what would happen if my parents or others found out. Moving on, growing into my teen years I was very curious about sex and the human body, as I think is very human. I was a bit into porn, not as much as most teen males I think. I was not, ever into physically exploring with others, as most teens do. I was teased as being queer, which I guess in a sense I am, but not in the gay sense per say. I am very comfortable being male even though I am not into a lot of “male” things like sexual conquest, sports, hunting, cars, etc. And I do like art and design, so that made Jr. High especially pretty rough. As a young teen I did most of my exploring regarding sexuality at libraries from books where I developed what I feel is a rather liberal accepting view of sexuality, I am perfectly fine with LGBT, even though I am not into sex personally. (Strangely I never recall encountering the idea of being non-sexual in any of those books.) It was also in libraries where I learned of the idea of nudism and embraced that accepting positive view of the human body as opposed to the negative, shameful view that my religion and family tried to give me. So yeah, I am an asexual nudist, (and yes nudist is another far edge of a bell curve!) I have been nude around probably thousands of other nude people (although I haven’t done that in a long time now, other things such as environmental issues have become more important to me) and I never had sex with any of them. So much for the idea of nudity causing uncontrollable lust, LOL! A few years ago I realized that I no longer believed my religion or in any supernatural stuff (damn, there’s that edge again, but not as far this time!) and that’s a huge area where people say you have to have religion to be moral and I can say BS. I did not go out on a binge and start having sex with all kinds of people because I lost any moral guidance from my religion. I will say flat out that I have had sex with exactly as many people as I would like since I stopped believing in god, which in my case is none. As I read comments from other asexuals on social media I realize how fortunate I was not to have the issues that many others seem to have had. Fortunately, my mother (or father for that matter) never pressured me to date, get married or have kids. I just rationalized my lack of sexual experience as waiting for the right woman, and not seeking that I rationalized by not being financially stable enough to support a family. After I lost my faith those rationales still worked some but lost most of their power, I started to think it was something else. It was it a party this last year that it really hit me in a way I couldn't rationalize away. There was a woman at the party that I find to be very physically attractive, and emotionally as well, we really hit it off and connected, apart from the fact that she is very into sex and open about it. She made it clear that she wanted to do something sexual with me, and rather than being excited about it, I was like filled with dread. I was wondering how I was going to get out of there without something happening. Fortunately, she got into a discussion with someone else and got completely distracted and I ducked out. But it knew that was an opportunity most males would likely jump at and as I don't have any religious reasons to justify my not taking advantage of it any longer I knew that I couldn't rationalize it away anymore. I really didn't know what to think, as again I simply don't see myself as sex negative, I always thought sex would be a great aspect of a committed relationship, which I have never had, so while I had heard the term asexual I hadn't explored it, I just dismissed it as sex negative and not me. Than a few weeks ago I ran across something on demi-sexuality which I had never heard of before. I read that and thought, THAT'S ME! But that led me into actually learning something about asexuality, and gray sexuality, etc. A couple friends coming out in other ways led me even further down this path. Now, I am not exactly sure where I am except somewhere on the lower curve of sexuality on the non-sexual side of the curve. Part of me does wonder about what I am missing that is such a strong drive for most of my fellow humans, but not enough at 54 to have done anything about it. I no longer have any fears of eternal damnation or judgement if I did a one-night stand or engaged a hooker, I just really don’t want to. The only way I could ever see myself being sexual, sharing my body with in that way, is only with someone that I deeply, emotionally cared about. So maybe I am more demi-sexual, not really sure. One thing I do know is that person (if it is to happen) would have to be very understanding of my situation. I do have concerns as I grow older, about being alone, I don’t have concerns about never having sex, I have concerns about being alone. There have been many times when I go to places, events, etc. that I would like someone to share that with. There have also been things I haven’t done because I don’t have anyone to share it with. But mostly I am happy and content with myself. Now that I have discovered that I am not the only one, that there are others like me, thanks to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, I am even better with myself. Now that I am coming to grips with the fact that I am a/demi-sexual and now that I have found a community of others who are too, I feel that I will be better able to navigate the aging thing better. And that’s really why I am being so public with this, I feel as a white male I have less to risk in being open. I also feel that large numbers of people are on the far edge of some bell curve in their own lives. If they see others being open about that perhaps they can learn more about others and themselves too. Then they can become more open. Gays have improved society by being more open, that is happening with transgender, atheists, other groups now. Blacks, women, and others have improved society by fighting for their rights. As this keeps going, and more people come out from their edges hopefully it will lead to a far more open and accepting society. That is my hope.
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It looks like I haven't posted in a while, I need to do this more. But today on my birthday I am reflecting back on my life a bit. Yep that picture is me 53 years ago, I was a cute little thing, although I did look a little pouty when this picture was taken! Like everyone else my journey has had it's up's and downs, but I am thankful for the family and society that I was born into, that gave me my start. Sometimes I look back and wonder how my parents ever managed to provide for us the way that they did, both are gone now, but both lived well into their 80's. While I am thankful for that, and know that out of the whole universe and of all of time how lucky I am to have been born to the family I was, in the society I was, at the time that I was. BUT, I am also thankful that I was able to go a separate way from my family, and the beliefs that I was raised with. I am thankful that I had the courage to be able to question and challenge the beliefs I was raised with. This has made my life even better and richer in every way. And thus I have a challenge for you. Beliefs are really not very good if they can not stand up to sincere challenges and questions. Don't settle for unquestioned beliefs, question everything, it's amazing how much richer that can make your life. The best part of my life by far has been since I got the courage to challenge and ask questions of my life, it taught me that I can stand on my own two feet, thus I still see my best days as being ahead. And I intend to get the most out of it, in my own way. Remember the wisdom of the ancient philosopher Socrates "The unexamined life is not worth living." Make your life worthy of living, challenge and put to the test your beliefs, see if they hold up. I don't know about you but I only want to believe that which remains after my beliefs have been put to the test of evidence, reason, and logic. David I saw the above meme on my Facebook wall yesterday (without the red X) and had to respond. Of course this is the classic Pascal's Wager which assumes if there is a God, he is a really stupid one that can be fooled by people hedging their bets, but my initial response was this:
“If there is a god who is just and loving it won't matter, if a god would send someone to eternal torture simply for not "loving" him, there is nothing in me that could cause me to love such a god or want to spend eternity with such a vile being.” Then I was called lost and blind, etc. Blind? Really? I'm the one who is blind? I had to get a bit more serious and responded with this: “For most of my life I believed as Steven, Allen and millions of others do, breaking free of that was the hardest thing I ever did, but I am so glad that I did. I have no intention of arguing or getting in a debate, but perhaps I can ask a few questions to remove the blinders of faith from your mind. If you are a loving and just being who created a life that is self aware would you not even more than a mother giving birth do everything to care for, nurture, and protect that life? Would you not be more real to them than the earth beneath their feet, the sun in their face, or the wind in their hair? Or would you remove yourself from them, except for communicating in ancient writings (and “feelings”) that you love them but they will tortured by fire forever if they don't love you back? And that brings the question of what is loving or just punishment? Certainly that is different for different crimes, but I know of NO crime where a just, let alone loving punishment would be the eternal torture of hell fire, let alone for someone simply not believing something such as they by birth are deserving of such a punishment if they don't believe. Such a belief is to me now deeply offensive and vile, I am ashamed that I ever believed it. Sadly I did. Do you really have a grasp of what that belief means? If not, I recommend a video called Burn Victims it should be very hard to watch, it should make you sick, it should, I hope it does. A couple years before this video was even made I had asked myself the question it asks and I knew that even if real, and even if it meant I myself would go to Hell, there was nothing in me that could love or serve a god who would send ANYONE to eternal, never ending torture for ANY reason. I hope you are moral, decent, just, loving, and compassionate enough to reach the same conclusion.” Please, my friends if you believe there is a “loving” god who would send anyone to eternal Hell for ANY reason, please wake up and realize how blind you are, and how far from anything remotely “loving” or “just” such a belief is. It is sick, deluded, cruel, and very blind for any compassionate, just, or loving being. I was thinking about my family today and wanted to share this. My parents loved me and I loved them very much, I miss them greatly. But as I grew I embraced many different ideas and values from them and it was clear that they had trouble accepting that. Today as I am a non-believer and they where both strong Christians until they passed, I am sure that they could not have accepted that at all. In fact I had become a non-believer before mom passed, and I decided not to burden her with that as she had been hurt enough by other things, so I accepted and loved her as she was. But it would have been wonderful if I knew that could have gone both ways. As children grow they become their own people, and that often doesn't fit with the expectations and dreams of the parents. Often as kids come out as gay, they get thrown out of their homes, in fact that accounts for more homeless youth than any other thing. When children develop different political views it can split families. If children in religious homes change religions or reject religion altogether it it can and does often tear families apart. The same happens if a child falls in love with the wrong kind of person, due to race, religion, social status, etc. Often in these situations it is said that we “love” you but until you change to fit our views of what is right, you can't be part of our family. That is not love. I am not saying that if a child is doing something demonstratively harmful to themselves or others that that is to be accepted, but that is different. I am saying that no matter how different the values, beliefs, or dreams, and ideas of your child are from what you where expecting, accepting them as they are is the greatest gift you can give them. It is the power of love. Peace, David Blood This last Tuesday, Nov 6, 2012, we as a nation voted. And I can say that even with some of the sensational fall out from the far right that I am feeling better about the direction of this nation now than I have in at least twelve years. Why? Was it because Obama won? NO, while I am very relieved that Romney did NOT win, and while Obama has done some good things over the last four years, there are also very valid reasons to be concerned about him. Neither Presidential candidate was a GREAT choice, not by a long shot! The way our politics is influenced by big money we likely won't have good choices until that is fixed. So why am I so happy?
For these and other reasons I feel like America is starting to move away from the strangle hold of neo-conservatives, and the far religious right. That perhaps we are starting to inch forward with more progressive values promoting liberty and freedom again. Yes, we are still very much a divided nation. In many ways we always have been and likely always will be, that's part of freedom, to be able to have and express different views. We have far to go, it is essential that we get big money out of the elections and corporate influence out politics so that our elected officials will be more likely to represent us “We the People” and our best interests rather the interests of corporations. That is why I support things like Wolf Pac and the occupy movement. It is also essential that those who promote more progressive values for freedom and liberty continue to stand up, organize and fight for those values as the radical religious right, who oppose those values, has done over the last few decades. This election has shown that we can do that, that we can take a stand for freedom and take our country back, and I am very proud to be an American! It's time for America to move forward again! |
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