A little over a week ago I publicly came out as asexual on this blog and on Facebook with a post titled Coming Out From the Edge of the Bell Curve. I really didn't have to do that, it's a way that I am different that is actually pretty easy to hide. I am 54, single, white, male, never married, and while that does get an occasional surprised response I have never faced any real hatred or bigotry because of it. I fit in pretty well, so why come out? Part of it was for myself, even though I have had low sexual attraction my whole life I had never encountered others that I KNEW where like me, I never could name it, or have a label for it until I ran across an article about Demi-sexuality (only being sexually attracted to people that you have a strong emotional bond with) and that led to AVEN (or the Asexual Visibility and Education Network) and other resources. This was tremendous for me, it let me know that I am far from alone, that I am not broken or damaged, I may not be in the "normal" range of what most people are on the sexuality bell curve, but I am still on it, I have not fallen off! It has also given me resources and information to move forward with my life with better understanding and more knowledge of who or what I am. That is wonderful. But even more important to me as I wrote a few days ago in Why Should You Care? "I feel that the more people come out in dimensions of their lives where they do not fall into the "normal" range of a bell curve, the more that frees others to come out as well. Not just in that dimension, but in many dimensions. " Simply said; life is not simple or binary, it is complex and diverse, and that is beautiful, it should be celebrated. I saw again today a video I wanted to share that really drives that home. It is called Something Beautiful. The voice and words are those of Nathan Phelps. Nathan is a son of Fred Phelps the founder of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, a group known best for picketing events such as funerals with signs such as "God Hates Fags". Nathan escaped that and has become an advocate for love, justice, and acceptance. An advocate for celebrating the diversity of life. It is Something Beautiful to watch... This video is a poignant and powerful reminder that we can do so much better than we often do. That rather than seeing hate and fear in our differences, we can see something beautiful, and that would make life so much better.
Much Gratitude to Nathan Phelps and Seth Andrews for making this powerful video. The original is here on YouTube if you want to share it directly with others from there. It is on Seth Andrews The Thinking Atheist Channel which is full of many other great video's and podcasts. Including two podcasts with Nathan Phelps #155 The Death of My Father and #67 Escaping Westboro Baptist Church, both very powerful and moving. Nate's website is here at NatePhelps.com. He is a powerful Ally for all of us.
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A few days ago I came out in a post titled Coming Out From the Edge of the Bell Curve as asexual. Today I want to share an meme that does a really good job of asexuality education in few words, and below that, I will expand on the last point, it's about why you should care. Because it is one I feel a bit differently about than is expressed in the meme, for me it isn't just about me or asexuality, and everyone should care. For me, why people should care is that life is not binary, it is diverse, we are also not one dimensional beings, we are each multi-dimensional, and that is what makes life so wonderful. I spoke of bell curves in my last post, on most of the bell curves in which the dimensions of my life could be viewed I would likely fall well within the normal range. There are some that I don't.
I think most people are like that, I think most of of have dimensions or aspects to our lives (large and small) where we know that we are not "normal" and to not risk rejection we hide those dimensions, so that we can be seen as normal. This is in my opinion a great loss, for everyone. As long as we don't have dimensions that are harmful or abusive, everyone should be able to be accepted for who and what they are, and thus contribute more fully to the great diversity of life. We should all be free to be you and me. I feel that the more people come out in dimensions of their lives where they do not fall into the "normal" range of a bell curve, the more that frees others to come out as well. Not just in that dimension, but in many dimensions. It helps us all to be free, to be accepted, to be celebrated as we are in all our dimensions contributing to the great diversity that makes life so interesting. So yes, while coming out as asexual does raise awareness for the asexual community, being able to do that was made easier by others who came out before in other dimensions, such as gay, atheist, transgender, etc. And it it turn makes it easier for others to come out and be who they are in all these and many other dimensions of life where people may not fit into the "normal" bell curve. Coming out in any dimension makes it easier for people in every dimension to be more comfortable with themselves, to be more open about themselves, to be free to be who they are without fear of alienation or rejection. And in some dimensions of life that could very well include you, and/or close friends and family members, and that is a good reason that you should care! Further, people who look physically to be within the accepted norm, in my case white male, coming out as different, I believe can also help people who look physically different, be it ethnic or some other physical difference, to be accepted more as well. I believe that it simply helps us to accept more diversity and that is a very good reason to care. If the range of humanity our beliefs, passions, attractions, etc. where shown on bell curves, in a wide center would be areas where most people are pretty similar, off to the right and left would be areas of more diversity, and further off to the right and left will be areas where little is shared in common with the masses, with the norm. But they are still ALL part of the spectrum of humanity, essential parts that should be celebrated, accepted, and embraced. Unless, who someone is involves physical or emotional harm everyone should be free to be who they are, and be accepted. I strongly believe that accepting others as who they are helps us to accept and embrace who we are better as well. That in fact is exactly what led to this coming out. Recently a couple friends came out to me in areas of their life and as I was seeking to understand that more and to learn how to be more supportive, I learned somethings about myself. So to those friends (who will, I am sure read this) thank you so much for being open and helping me learn not only more about you, but more about myself as well. That is why I have decided to come out from the edge of the bell curve in an area of my life that I am actually just coming to terms with. It’s not just to be accepted, I am blessed with a good core group of friends who have shown that is not an issue, but to hopefully help others on the journey of not only accepting others, but to encourage people to come out, learn about, and embrace themselves more too. So what edge of what bell curve am I coming out of? Well let’s lead into that by saying that in an area that is central to many human drives, passions, and emotions, for me… What do I like cake better than? I like it better than sex! I have never felt I was negative about sex, or repulsed by it (generally) or the human body. And I have gotten sexually aroused many times, so I certainly never thought I could be asexual until very recently! But still there is the fact that sex just isn’t something I do. So when I saw the phrase “Cake is better” as I was doing some research in the asexual community I was like, yeah, I totally agree with that. It’s not like I think sex is bad and no one should do it, which is what I thought being asexual was, it’s just that for me personally, I like cake better. Much better! For years I thought I was broken, that there was something wrong with me, that I was odd, now I realize that I am fine. OK maybe a I’m odd, maybe I am on the far edge of the sexuality bell curve here, but I am good with that. I embrace that. A bit more about me, I am a 54-year-old, white, male, at the age of eight I was sexually abused by neighbor kids, that is the only time that I have had sex with people other than myself. (And I haven’t even done sex with myself in a long time now either, sometimes I think I should because of concerns about prostate cancer, but I still haven’t. I’m just not that into it.) Anyway I don’t remember what happened as a kid really turning me off to sex, it thankfully wasn’t an adult on child situation I know that could have been FAR different and deeply traumatic. The main thing I remember from that time was great fear of what would happen if my parents or others found out. Moving on, growing into my teen years I was very curious about sex and the human body, as I think is very human. I was a bit into porn, not as much as most teen males I think. I was not, ever into physically exploring with others, as most teens do. I was teased as being queer, which I guess in a sense I am, but not in the gay sense per say. I am very comfortable being male even though I am not into a lot of “male” things like sexual conquest, sports, hunting, cars, etc. And I do like art and design, so that made Jr. High especially pretty rough. As a young teen I did most of my exploring regarding sexuality at libraries from books where I developed what I feel is a rather liberal accepting view of sexuality, I am perfectly fine with LGBT, even though I am not into sex personally. (Strangely I never recall encountering the idea of being non-sexual in any of those books.) It was also in libraries where I learned of the idea of nudism and embraced that accepting positive view of the human body as opposed to the negative, shameful view that my religion and family tried to give me. So yeah, I am an asexual nudist, (and yes nudist is another far edge of a bell curve!) I have been nude around probably thousands of other nude people (although I haven’t done that in a long time now, other things such as environmental issues have become more important to me) and I never had sex with any of them. So much for the idea of nudity causing uncontrollable lust, LOL! A few years ago I realized that I no longer believed my religion or in any supernatural stuff (damn, there’s that edge again, but not as far this time!) and that’s a huge area where people say you have to have religion to be moral and I can say BS. I did not go out on a binge and start having sex with all kinds of people because I lost any moral guidance from my religion. I will say flat out that I have had sex with exactly as many people as I would like since I stopped believing in god, which in my case is none. As I read comments from other asexuals on social media I realize how fortunate I was not to have the issues that many others seem to have had. Fortunately, my mother (or father for that matter) never pressured me to date, get married or have kids. I just rationalized my lack of sexual experience as waiting for the right woman, and not seeking that I rationalized by not being financially stable enough to support a family. After I lost my faith those rationales still worked some but lost most of their power, I started to think it was something else. It was it a party this last year that it really hit me in a way I couldn't rationalize away. There was a woman at the party that I find to be very physically attractive, and emotionally as well, we really hit it off and connected, apart from the fact that she is very into sex and open about it. She made it clear that she wanted to do something sexual with me, and rather than being excited about it, I was like filled with dread. I was wondering how I was going to get out of there without something happening. Fortunately, she got into a discussion with someone else and got completely distracted and I ducked out. But it knew that was an opportunity most males would likely jump at and as I don't have any religious reasons to justify my not taking advantage of it any longer I knew that I couldn't rationalize it away anymore. I really didn't know what to think, as again I simply don't see myself as sex negative, I always thought sex would be a great aspect of a committed relationship, which I have never had, so while I had heard the term asexual I hadn't explored it, I just dismissed it as sex negative and not me. Than a few weeks ago I ran across something on demi-sexuality which I had never heard of before. I read that and thought, THAT'S ME! But that led me into actually learning something about asexuality, and gray sexuality, etc. A couple friends coming out in other ways led me even further down this path. Now, I am not exactly sure where I am except somewhere on the lower curve of sexuality on the non-sexual side of the curve. Part of me does wonder about what I am missing that is such a strong drive for most of my fellow humans, but not enough at 54 to have done anything about it. I no longer have any fears of eternal damnation or judgement if I did a one-night stand or engaged a hooker, I just really don’t want to. The only way I could ever see myself being sexual, sharing my body with in that way, is only with someone that I deeply, emotionally cared about. So maybe I am more demi-sexual, not really sure. One thing I do know is that person (if it is to happen) would have to be very understanding of my situation. I do have concerns as I grow older, about being alone, I don’t have concerns about never having sex, I have concerns about being alone. There have been many times when I go to places, events, etc. that I would like someone to share that with. There have also been things I haven’t done because I don’t have anyone to share it with. But mostly I am happy and content with myself. Now that I have discovered that I am not the only one, that there are others like me, thanks to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, I am even better with myself. Now that I am coming to grips with the fact that I am a/demi-sexual and now that I have found a community of others who are too, I feel that I will be better able to navigate the aging thing better. And that’s really why I am being so public with this, I feel as a white male I have less to risk in being open. I also feel that large numbers of people are on the far edge of some bell curve in their own lives. If they see others being open about that perhaps they can learn more about others and themselves too. Then they can become more open. Gays have improved society by being more open, that is happening with transgender, atheists, other groups now. Blacks, women, and others have improved society by fighting for their rights. As this keeps going, and more people come out from their edges hopefully it will lead to a far more open and accepting society. That is my hope. |
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